Asstrology, Poop, Scatomancy
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Scatomancy Notes

Scatomancy—the ancient art of gazing into the abyss of the human digestive aftermath and declaring, “Behold! Your destiny lies within this steaming pile!” What could be more unhinged than plumbing the depths of poop for cosmic wisdom? Let us embark on this fecal odyssey, where divination meets digestion and prophecy smells faintly of last night’s dinner.

The Origins: When Crap Was King

Long before tarot cards and crystal balls stole the spotlight, scatomancers were the true rock stars of ancient divination. In Egypt, they didn’t just worship dung beetles for their poop-rolling prowess—they took notes! The speed and artistry with which these beetles sculpted their dung balls were considered divine signals. Was your dung ball rolled quickly? Congrats! You’re destined for greatness. Did it crumble mid-roll? Uh-oh—better prepare for disaster.

But scatomancy wasn’t limited to beetle antics. Ancient practitioners would examine the size, shape, texture, and even odor of excrement to predict everything from harvest yields to personal fortunes. A particularly frothy stool might mean turbulent times ahead. A perfectly cylindrical log? Stability and strength! And if your poop resembled a coiled serpent? Well, let’s just say you might want to avoid snakes for a while.

The Methods: A Stool for Every Story

Modern scatomancy is a lost art—or perhaps mercifully so—but its methods remain legendary:

Shape Analysis: Is your poop nugget-like or cigar-shaped? Nuggets suggest teamwork; cigars scream leadership. Who knew your colon could be so opinionated?

Color Interpretation: Shades of brown are standard fare, but stray into greens, yellows, or reds, and you might have a prophecy and a medical emergency on your hands.

Location Matters: Did your poop land dead center in the bowl? Balance and harmony await! Is it clinging stubbornly to the side? Prepare for challenges—your destiny is as sticky as that porcelain.

Consistency Counts: Solid logs indicate stability; watery stools suggest emotional upheaval. And if it’s frothy? You’re probably living life on the edge—or drinking way too much kombucha.

The Legends: Scatomancers of Renown

Ancient Egypt wasn’t alone in its fecal fascination. Across cultures, scatomancers held positions of power:

Trial by Turd: In some communities, excrement was used in trials by ordeal. If your poop passed muster (literally), you were innocent; if not, guilty as charged!

Medical Prophets: Early physicians doubled as scatomancers, diagnosing illnesses and predicting outcomes based on bowel movements. Blood in the stool? A sign of both sickness and impending doom.

Aristophanes’ Roast: Even in ancient Greece, scatological humor reigned supreme. Aristophanes famously mocked Galenic doctors as “scatophagous”—eaters of excrement—though they were likely just peering into it for wisdom.

The Revival: Modern Scatomancy

While mainstream society has largely abandoned poop prophecy (thank goodness), echoes of scatomancy persist:

Stool Tests: Today’s medical professionals analyze feces to diagnose conditions like cancer or digestive disorders—a far cry from predicting romance or crop yields but eerily reminiscent of ancient practices.

Fecal Fortune Tellers: Believe it or not, there are still practitioners who claim to divine futures from feces. One such modern-day scatomancer once declared that a “cigar-shaped log” foretold leadership potential. Who needs LinkedIn when you’ve got a toilet?

Why Scatomancy Endures

Let’s face it: humans have always been fascinated by their own waste. It’s grossly intimate—a literal product of our bodies—and yet it holds secrets about our health, our habits, and (if you ask a scatomancer) our fate. Whether through ancient rituals or modern medicine, poop remains a window into ourselves—though most would prefer to keep that window firmly shut.

Scatomancy may seem absurd, but its roots lie in humanity’s eternal quest for meaning in the mundane. To some, excrement is just waste; to others, it’s a cosmic message waiting to be decoded. So next time you flush away your destiny without a second glance, remember: somewhere out there is a scatomancer who could’ve turned your turds into tales of triumph—or tragedy. And who knows? Maybe tomorrow’s bowel movement holds the key to unlocking your future… or at least an excuse to eat more fiber.

Other Notes

Scatomancy is the reading of a person’s fortune by examining their bodily excrement, or by examining those of an animal. It is also known as spatalomancy, spatilomancy, copromancy, and spatalamancy.

Scatomancy is literally “divination by excrement”. The process by which excrement is scrutinized is referred to in modern medical terminology as a stool test (or, rarely, “scatoscopy”) and is used to detect many conditions including some varieties of cancer.

The OED gives the following quotations:

1569 J. SANDFORD tr. Agrippa’s Van. Artes lxxxiii. 145b, For this cause Scatomancie, Oromancie, Drymimancie, be called the divinations or Prognostications of Physicians, gathered by ordures and urines. 1861 READE Cloister & H. xxvi, I studied at Montpelier… There learned I Dririmancy, Scatomancy, Pathology [etc.]. 1897 in Syd. Soc. Lex.

Other methods of divination mentioned by Agrippa, in De incertitudine et vanitate scientiarum atque artium, include “oromancie,” i.e. uromancy, divination by urine.

History

In ancient times scatomancers were often influential members of their community called upon to assist in medical diagnosis and trial by ordeal. 

In one of scatomancy’s forms, popular in ancient Egypt, kleptoparasitic dung beetles were employed. These insects were held sacred and immortalized by the Egyptians. They shape, roll and weave dung balls as a sexual display and courtship attractor. The beetles speed and behavior, as well as the appearance of the dung balls, were all taken into consideration for the prognostications.[citation needed]

The examination of feces and urine by physicians and folk medicine practitioners has been performed since ancient times. Medicine men and women made predictions as well as diagnoses from feces examination, resembling today’s medical professionals and laboratories.

Miscellaneous

As he bestowed every one of the powers, the leader also gave out medicine powers. He would point to the center of a person’s body, to the heart, which is the seat of thought and emotions, and proclaim what that power would be. Typically, Coyote misunderstood this gesture, assuming that the leader was pointing to his stomach. Thus, by virtue of the creative force granted to his thoughts, Coyote received a special power different from other beings. The representatives of his power lived in Coyote’s intestines until he summoned their help. At that moment, they came out and took the form of five feces or, as polite Colvilles say, turds. Coyote called them his younger siblings and asked their advice, which they always gave wisely, although each encounter ended with Coyote, suddenly brilliant, claiming that their help was superfluous because, after all, he had known what to do all the time. If his younger siblings were slow or reluctant to offer advice, he bullied them into cooperation by threatening to cause a rainstorm which would melt them.

Jay Miller’s introduction to Mourning Dove, Coyote Stories (Caldwell: Caxton, 1933; rpt. Lincoln: University of Nebraska Press, 1990), p. xii:
  • Gilleland, Michael, Scatomancy June 12, 2008 https://laudatortemporisacti.blogspot.com/2008/06/scatomancy.html

Samuel Butler refers to the practice in Hudibras

Your modern Indian magician
Makes but a hole in th’ earth to piss in,
And straight resolves all questions by’t,
And seldom fails to be i’th’ right.

Samuel Butler, Hudibras 2.3.609-612

Further reading

  • Schaffer, Guy Reading feces, from scatomancy to coprology, https://histmed.collegeofphysicians.org/reading-feces-from-scatomancy-to-coprology/
  • Dictionary of the Occult. Caxton Publishing
  • Dunwich, Gerina. A Wiccan’s Guide to Prophecy and Divination. Carol Publishing Group
  • Pickover, Clifford A.. Dreaming the Future: The Fantastic Story of Prediction. Prometheus Books
  • Spence, Lewis. An Encyclopedia of Occultism. Carol Publishing Group
  • Walker, Charles. The Encyclopedia of the Occult. Random House Value
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