The Constitution doesn’t guarantee the right to obscene profits
Today we confront a CONSTITUTIONAL CRISIS of epic proportions! The so-called “minimum wage” has become a MAXIMUM INSULT to the dignity of American workers. And don’t even get me started on the FESTERING WOUND of modern slavery that continues to infect our great nation. It’s time to lance this boil and cauterize it with the white-hot flame of JUSTICE!
Let’s start with a $50 federal minimum wage! Some hand-wringing ninnies will cry that it’s too much, that it’ll destroy businesses faster than a plague of locusts on steroids. HOGWASH! What it will destroy is the PARASITIC BUSINESS MODEL that has corporate fat cats feeding off the public teat while their workers subsist on food stamps!
The Constitution doesn’t guarantee the right to obscene profits, but it does demand we “promote the general Welfare.” And by God, paying workers a wage they can actually LIVE ON is the very definition of general welfare! It’s not socialism, it’s AMERICANISM of the highest order!
Some may argue that the states should have the right to set their own minimum wage. To them I say: READ THE CONSTITUTION! The Commerce Clause gives Congress the power to regulate interstate commerce, and in our interconnected economy, EVERY JOB affects interstate commerce. We’re setting a FLOOR, not a ceiling. If California wants to pay people in gold bullion and avocado toast, they’re welcome to it!
Now, to the matter of slavery. I thought we settled this in 1865, but apparently some folks missed the memo. Let me be CRYSTAL CLEAR: The 13th Amendment’s exception for criminal punishment has been stretched so far, it’s become a GROTESQUE PARODY of justice. No more exceptions, no more loopholes, no more WEASEL WORDS that allow modern-day slavers to hide behind legal technicalities. We’re going to ban slavery so hard it’ll make Sherman’s March to the Sea look like a Sunday picnic!
In conclusion, it’s time to EXORCISE the demons of economic exploitation and involuntary servitude from our nation once and for all. A $50 federal minimum wage and an ironclad ban on slavery aren’t just good policy – they’re CONSTITUTIONAL IMPERATIVES. It’s time we lived up to the promises enshrined in our founding documents.
